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Hilarious Lines From Online Dating Profiles

If you have put any effort at all into online dating, I’m sure that you’ve read plenty about how to write online profiles, and how NOT to write them. Knowing the basics about that is a good thing, of course, and I’ve written my fair share on the subject.

The truth is that there is a wealth of information our there and help is readily available when it comes to creating terrific, effective online profiles. Yet, you can somehow always count on finding plenty of particularly entertaining material like what follows when browsing profile narratives.

All of these are lifted from actual profiles. Enjoy!

“I’m a walking, talking dichotomy. I hope you’re the same.”

After all, opposites attract, right?

“I need a man who can full feel my fantasies.”

I distinctly remember an email I wrote to this one entitled, “Feeling Full”. I don’t remember a response. Haha.

“The three things I want most in a man are honesty, sincerity and truthfulness.”

Great. The three things I want most in a woman are repetition, redundancy and duplication.

“I am recently divorced, so I am now at a stage in my life where I am not looking for one night stands.”

Well, thank goodness both the marriage and that sort of behavior have come to an end. I wonder if that’s a coincidence?

“I don’t drink beer, but I’ll play darts at the bar with a screwdriver”

Be sure to use a Philips. Those pointy ones seem to stick to the dartboard better.

“I’ll bend over backwards to help anyone who needs it, but I refuse to be a pushover.”

OK, so she doesn’t need any help bending over backwards, get it?

“Attractive, fun, professional woman looking to date the same.”

Hmm. Can’t help you there, girlie. I’m a guy.

“I AM A HAPPY AND HONEST PERSON I HATE LAYS AND TO BE UNLOYAL”

Well, that about covers everything.

“I have my B.S. and J.D. I mostly use the B.S. part to do my J.D. job.”

Anyone who is divorced can appreciate that one. Thanks for being honest.

“A man who does not mind the simple and loving jesters I may send his way.”

Nah, I’m good. I’m pretty well stocked up on freaks with funky suits and bells on their hats.

“I hate complainers.”

Why? We LOVE you.

“I am an independent woman and don’t need a man to support me, although the ability to do so would be nice.”

At least the truth came out early. LOL

“I’m looking for someone with as many things in common as me.”

And I thought Yogi Berra was married. The more times I read this, the more I laughed.

“If you are looking for a true blue type I may be your match.”

This woman’s first pic was of her posing with a Blue Man Group guy in Vegas-so I guess she wasn’t kidding.

“I’m a hot box, so this cuddle thing all night is out of the question unless it’s the dead middle of winter.”

I’m willing to bet that this woman had NO IDEA why she was getting the kind of responses she must have received.

“DON’T REPLY BACK IF YOU HAVE PROBLEM WITH DRUGS, ALCOHOL OR IF YOU ARE A FREAK.”

OK, I ask you, have you ever met a self-proclaimed freak?

“I used to be a great liar… I can smell one a mile away.”

Well it’s good to know that though you used to be a great liar, the skill set it still finely tuned… just in case.

“Im etremly drawn to someone w/ a high level of intelegents.”

It’s just painful to read this. (See also: “I’m looking for an intelligant man”)

“By the way guys… there are NOT two ‘ll’s in ‘traveling’!”

OK, rule number one: If you are going to obnoxiously correct people who you haven’t even met yet, at least have your facts together. See

for elaboration.

“I love the roll of being a mom.”

How about a little roll playing?

“LOVE WHITE MEN AND LOVE TO PLAY GAMES”

Surely, she means “Scrabble” or “Monopoly”. Otherwise, this is a first.

“I hate judgmental people!”

There have to be self-esteem issues here.

“Just throwing out casts… “

And what did your orthopedic surgeon have to say about that?

“This is where I’m suppose to make myself sound interesting so bare with me.”

So far, so good.

“I spend a lot of time sending polite emails, turning people down. Most of them appreciate that I did that.”

On second thought, never mind. LOL

“Are you looking for a fun loving, beautiful woman with her act together? Well, good luck!”

What made this funny was that it was the very last two lines of her profile.

“Strong independent woman not afraid to admit she needs some one to LOVE her.”

That pent-up independence is demented stuff, isn’t it?

“About him? He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. His favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.”

You know, it seems that all the guys with one green eye and one blue eye whose favorite shape is a star and who can ride ponies backwards are always either married or gay, doesn’t it? Ironically, I do actually know a guy with one green eye and one blue eye. But last I checked, he didn’t have riding ponies backwards down yet. Besides, he’s married (of course).